Lent Day 31: Decolonize Love
- Flannel Diaries
- Apr 9
- 3 min read
“The greatest humanistic and historical task of the oppressed: to liberate themselves…” ― Paulo Freire
What does that mean?
For me, it means ending codependency. It means rejecting patriarchy’s version of love and rewriting the story from a place of liberation—not oppression.
Let’s be real: marriage wasn’t created out of love. Historically, it was a transaction. A contract between a man and a woman’s father—literally a transfer of ownership. Women were property. Children were property. And while it feels ridiculous to even say that out loud in 2025, let’s not pretend that those ideas aren’t still lingering. Embedded in laws. In expectations. In certain churches and family traditions. There are still folks walking around believing they own their partner. That love equals possession.
Fu@k that s#it!
No one owns you. The only person who should ever “own” you—is you.
To decolonize love is to untangle it from control, from punishment, from fear. Love shouldn't feel oppressive. It shouldn’t make you question your worth or trap you in someone else’s insecurity. If it does? Get out. Run. That’s not love. That’s power and control dressed up like a Hallmark movie.
White supremacy and patriarchy are everywhere—even in how we love. There’s this tired hypocrisy we don’t talk about enough: when men cheat, it’s forgiven. When women cheat, it’s scandalous. Shameful. “Unnatural.” Why? Because we’re still taught that men are allowed to want—sex, variety, affection—while women are supposed to be these pure, self-sacrificing vessels of virtue.
Meanwhile, rates of intimate partner violence remain staggering. Known but unspoken. The silence is part of the system.
Why do we accept it? Why do we still measure “success” in love by how much we’re willing to suffer for it?
We deserve better.
We deserve love that lifts, not crushes. That expands, not confines. But we’ve been sold fairytales. Happily-ever-afters that somehow always come after a woman gives up everything to be chosen.
And that’s where I say: decolonize love.
It starts with me.
If I could write a letter to younger Vangie, I’d probably say:
“Don’t date that girl. Go back and finish school.”
Then maybe:
“Rip up the plan. Toss it out the window. The Universe has jokes. You’ll think you’ve figured it all out, but nope—it’s about to get weird. You’re going to make the same mistakes again and again until you finally get it. You’re going to break some hearts. You’re going to break your own.
“But it’ll be okay.
“You’ll be okay.
“You’ll have amazing adventures. You’ll meet people who see you. People who challenge you. People who disappoint you. And people who believe in you even when you’re not at your best. Hold on to those ones. Love them hard. Trust them deeply. They’re your people.”
And I’d add:
“Be kind to yourself. You’re going to doubt a lot. You’ll carry shame that doesn’t belong to you. You’ll spend years thinking you were too much, or not enough. But you were always worthy.
“Protect your peace. Get the good health insurance. 2019 was just the warm-up. 2020? Unprecedented. 2024? Bruh. But you? You’re a phoenix, and the ashes aren’t the end.
“Forgive yourself often. Stand in your truth. Don’t ever dull your shine to make someone else feel better. Love with your whole damn heart. Trust your gut. It’s wiser than you think.
“You are whole. You are worthy. You deserve real love.
“And when it gets hard—and it will—remember: you’ve made it through before. Don’t quit now.
“You got this.”
Love,
Future You
Lenten Reflection: Liberation Is Love
“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds, so that you may discern what is the will of God—what is good and acceptable and perfect.” – Romans 12:2 (NRSV)
Lent isn’t just about sacrifice. It’s about transformation.
It’s about walking into the wilderness of who we are—and shedding what no longer fits.
🔹 What inherited ideas about love and worth are you ready to release?
🔹 What systems or expectations have shaped the way you show up in relationships?
🔹 What does it look like to choose love that is rooted in freedom, not fear?
This season, may we decolonize our hearts. May we liberate ourselves from the chains that shame, silence, or confine us. And may we move toward a love that is expansive, rooted in truth, and undeniably ours.
Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other.
📖 More reflections at: flanneldiaries.com
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