Lent 2025 Day 8: Learning To Love

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." – 1 Peter 4:8

My peak dirtbag years, 2000s, with my best lezbud Kimi

I'm really terrible at love. I should probably explain myself a bit. I was raised by Asian parents, so suppressing feelings was the norm. I also grew up in the 80s, so putting your feelings in a box and shoving them deep down inside was just how things were done.

I had a therapist who once told me that wasn't healthy. She gave me an example: being in a pool and trying to shove a beach ball underwater. The harder you push it down, the more forcefully it pops back up, going wherever it wants. At the time, the metaphor made sense—but human emotions are far more complex than a beach ball.

And the fact of the matter is? I got really good at shoving feelings down.

Fast forward to 30 years on this planet, and what I realized is that my feelings container is not infinite. There is a bottom to my feelings vault.

I dated this lovely woman in my late twenties after a very emotionally difficult relationship and a traumatizing breakup. My ex was still in my life because of mutual friends, and she was still traumatizing me. But I was moving on and dating again.

I want to apologize to this woman for being a complete jackass. In my defense, we started dating with the understanding that it was just for adult intimate friendship. The expectation in those kinds of situations is that you’re not looking to fall in love. But I should’ve known better.

I was in complete self-protection mode—emotional vulnerability was not my strong suit.

She was in an open relationship at the time, and I was just doing my thing. But it is very difficult not to fall in love with someone who is, well, lovely.

She had a beautiful heart. She was kind. Thoughtful. The attraction was there. The affection was there.

I just wasn’t always 100% there.

I remember one night at a club where we had met up. We’d probably been dating for a few months. I was drinking, the club was packed, music was pulsing, my friends were there, and I was dancing with her.

I don’t know if it was the night, the appletinis, or the heart-thumping beats, but she said, “I love you.”

I stared at her, blinking for what felt like hours, but was probably just seconds, and said:

“Thank you.”

Please don’t hate me.

I immediately looked for my friend (I think it was Kimi) and tried to explain what just happened. I was super confused—had I even heard her right?

But I know she said it.

To be completely honest? I never really thought I was good enough for this woman.

There’s more to the story, but what I will say is this: I was blessed to have had her in my life when I did. She saw something in me I couldn’t even see at the time. And even though it didn’t last, I was completely changed for the better after we stopped dating.

She moved on and found someone who could love her the way she needed. And I moved on, dating someone who eventually brought me to Minnesota.

I love my lesbro friends. After being single for a couple of years, I decided to get on the dating apps again. There’s a running joke that I could trip over a rock and end up in a relationship. So I’ve actively tried to stay single because I am, admittedly, a serial monogamist. Is that bad? Does that sound bad?

I asked for advice from my gang of lesbian friends because I started dating this woman and didn’t want to make the same past mistakes.

Let me just say: lesbians are not always the best people for dating advice.

There’s that running joke about second dates and U-Hauls—which, while amusing, is also toxic.

Their advice? “You need to be more emotionally vulnerable.” What does that even mean?!

I had just started dating this woman. I tried my best to follow their advice, and it backfired. I came across like I was love-bombing her. She probably thought I was some narcissist trying to reel her into my trap to use her for emotional & psychological supply. Let’s just say? That didn’t last very long.

I love my friends, but they aren’t always the best advice-givers. There’s got to be a middle ground in sapphic dating.

At 50, I’m just trying to stay on top of my blood pressure medication, menopausal mood swings, and fighting off osteoporosis.

Love is still complicated. But at least now? I’m trying to be better at it.

Lenten Reflection: The Love We Are Called to Give

Lent is a time of deep reflection—on our failures, our growth, and the ways we are being called to change.

1 Peter 4:8 reminds us: “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”

The thing about love—whether romantic, platonic, or spiritual—is that it demands presence. To love deeply, we must show up fully. This reflection is an acknowledgment that I didn’t always do that.

Love isn’t just about saying the words. It’s about: