Flannel Quarantine Diaries Log Day 7

Let's Get This Party Started

#COVID19 Social (Physical) Distancing Log Day 03222020

Mood: Not Dead

I would imagine tomorrow Minnesota Governor Tim Walz will implement "Sheltering in Place." What does that mean? You need to stay inside a structure to temporarily separate yourself from the hazardous outdoor atmosphere. Basically, don't leave your house unless it's an emergency. We'll have to "Shelter in Place," until we get the all clear. In China, they would patrol the streets and ask people where they were going and then tell them to go back home. I'm preparing for another week or more to do basically what I've been doing for the last week.

I'm going to be completely honest with you and just say I had a very difficult day. I've been struggling with the question of why would my ex want to hurt me over and over again. I know that she knows what she did hurt me. She also tells herself she's just living her life and wants to be happy and what she thinks and what she wants is all that matters. I know this because this is a theme of hers she'd repeat throughout our relationship. Which most healthy people with empathy would be able to recognize that her behavior was hurtful. It's difficult for me to want to be happy for her and wish her well when she was so mean about everything. I will eventually move through these feelings and find a way to build myself back up again. Forgive me for falling for her trap and her web of bullshit kindness (transactional love, really). I don't care if she ever recognizes how harmful her behavior was and that she won't ever admit what she did was wrong because she believes what she did wasn't wrong. That's also one of her many toxic traits, she's always the victim; the one wronged in her life and relationships. Even if she's the one that ends it, there's always a reason it ended which most of the fault lies on the offending party usually not her. If you don't think you're doing anything wrong you wouldn't sneak. That's when I knew. She started sneaking and her attitude change so quickly because then the devaluing and discarding started happening. Once she found someone else to give her the love and attention she craved and wasn't getting from me (not the way she wanted, anyway), I was no longer valuable to her. I have value and it doesn't feel good to be treated as if you don't. I didn't stop loving her, I just realized I needed to start loving myself more. So, yeah, it hurt, and at some points during the day when I think about the way it all ended, I feel like I'm dying inside. I guess a part of me has to die so the best parts of me can live and thrive once again.

Being alone while this whole COVIDemic-19 is happening out there I've discovered a lot of peace. In my head and in my heart. The only drama that I'm experiencing is what I can find on Netflix and the news. I had a friend from back in the days who reminded me of the times we would go dancing at the White Horse. It's a local bar/club in Oakland, CA. It was the typical local gay bar (because it's the 90s & 2000s) the carpet was sticky from years of spilled cocktails. The dance floor was small but big enough for us to dance and make fools of ourselves. Who was it that said, "youth is wasted on the young?" I'm not exactly sure if that's true. Because, to be honest with you; I had an amazing time and enjoyed my youth. I was surrounded by wonderful, amazing, and supportive human beings.

When we finally are allowed to leave our homes and gather with more than 100 people, I'll go to a local queer club and dance. I may be 45 (now 46), but I'm not dead.

"A lot of people enjoy being dead. They are not dead, really. They're just backing away from life." -- Ruth Gordon (From Harold & Maude)

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