Flannel Quarantine Diaries: Log Day 3
The Light at The End of the Tunnel is a Dumpster Fire
#COVID19 Social Distancing Log Day 03182020:
Mood: Good Hair Day
It's no secret that the last five or six months of my life haven't been particularly spectacular. To be honest there have been moments I've felt as if my heart was torn out of my chest and then stomped on. Whenever I thought things were starting to look up and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel; I was shocked to find out that the bright light at the end of the tunnel was the glow of a dumpster fire. My life is a dumpster fire. Would that be the title of a Country Song of Punk Song?
With the wonderful forced opportunity to stay home with ourselves, I've had plenty of time to do some introspection. Asking the question, "What the eff is happening around here?" I've stepped into a telenovela: breakup, mom dying, pandemic, etcetera, etcetera… the carnival ride seems to never end.
I'm moving out of my townhouse at the end of the month. I spent two years trying to create a home with my Ex and her kids. It's heartbreaking to say goodbye to a dream and life you workedincredibly hard to build. But, it's time. I was talking to a friend the other day about the difference between a house and a home. I can have a beautiful house filled with nice things, but a home is the people who live there. The warmth and energy you feel from the people you share your life with. That's the difference. The townhouse I shared with my Ex is half-empty, but it's still beautiful. I've been spending a lot of time, here, by myself. I've realized I do enjoy my own company. I'm very witty and a great conversationalist and I'm a fairly decent cook. Of course, I miss the people that I shared my home with, but I've also come to understand it's okay to be alone. I needed to be okay with creating a home for myself. By myself.
In the past few months, I've shared some things that haven't always been uplifting and maybe on the verge of being mean and shady. But, I've never been anything but honest. Being emotionally vulnerable hasn't been easy for me and doing it on social media doesn't always come across, well. It has been viewed by some as confusing, unlike me (beneath me), negative, and depressing. If you haven't been through what I've been through, I don't think anyone has room to judge or understands what's truly in my heart or what I share on social media. Grief isn't just something you get over. It's something that you experience over and over again and it doesn't show up the same way every time for everyone. Loss of a partner, a friend, or a parent they all have their individual special feelings of sorrow and despair. It hurts. It fucking excruciatingly hurts. It changes the molecular structure of your heart and soul. The added benefit of experiencing the death of a loved one is questioning one's mortality. And, I also had a nice existential crisis with my meaning and purpose while being in another country with the looming danger of COVID-19 in the backdrop.
So, what's the point of me saying all of this? It's the 20th day of #Lent and I decided to give up what does not bring me joy. What doesn't bring me joy is holding on to anger. What brings me joy is forgiveness. I don't regret the two years that I spent with my Ex. I truly appreciate her and learned a lot about myself by being with her. I know I am a better person, because of her. And, I only wish her the very best. We may have said some extremely awful things to each other, for me, underneath those angry words was hurt. But, it is time to heal the hurt. It is time to move forward and say goodbye to a house and move towards a home that has been waiting for me all along.
We are going through an unprecedented time which we have never experienced in this modern age. Every day is unknown and ever-changing. When it's all said and done, nothing will be the same. There will be a new normal. There's no reason to hold on to old grudges that no longer serve my higher good. However, it doesn't mean that what happened was okay. It just means I don't give a shit anymore.
Namaste.
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