Flannel Quarantine Diaries: Day 13
It's So Hard to Say Goodbye
#COVID19 Social Emotional Physical Distancing Log Day 030282020
Mood: Tired
I'm moving out of the townhouse I shared with my ex this weekend. Our lease finally ended, and we still had to interact (very limited) with each other for the past four months. It has been a bizarre and at times contentious tie that has binded us together even after our breakup. It's both sad and freeing to know I no longer have to communicate with her about anything. And, I would imagine she probably feels a sense of relief to not have to deal with me, ever again
Isn't it amazing how you can love someone so completely that you want to build a life with them. And then the next day they want nothing to do with you and would be perfectly happy to never see your face again. That's some messed up shit right there. I don't know. Is that really love or something else? Whatever it is it's still soul crushing and heartbreaking. Especially, when they move on so quickly as if you never really mattered or that you were that replaceable. You start to wonder if the feelings they had for you were ever truly real.
So, where does that leave me? Trying to figure out what kind of love I deserve. I don't lack for confidence or self-esteem. I live my life in a way that I don't need to put other people down to feel better about myself. If people are found wanting that's them not me. Haters gonna hate. However, this last breakup has really taken a toll on my confidence and ego. Which, is really weird for me. But, it has been an emotionally exhausting year and has taken every bit of mental fortitude I could muster to get to this place. Knowing that I am enough. And, I am becoming the person I used to be and the person I missed connecting with.
I don't like feeling anger or resentment towards people, especially towards people I once loved. Time does heal broken hearts. Not in the way we think or hope it would. I used to do an activity with students about bullying and how your words could hurt and harm or help and heal. I would have them crumple up a heart shaped piece of paper then say mean things to it, stomp it on the ground, but don't rip it. I'd then tell them to say sorry to it and then try to flatten it out and make it like it was before. I said it's impossible, right, to get back to the way it was? Imagine all those wrinkles in the paper are the mean words you said to it. You can say sorry, but you can never take back the mean words or the harm you inflicted on the other person. Like our hearts there will always be an emotional scare from the bullying words or emotional abuse. I know what I'm doing with my words and actions. I don't try to pretend otherwise. If I know I'm in the wrong the best apology I can give another person is changed behavior. I'm not perfect. But, I'm trying.
Goodbyes, suck. Change is uncomfortable. I can't go back I can only look ahead and hope for the best. And, I only hope for the best for my ex.
As above. So below.
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