Flannel Quarantine Diaries: Day 12

The Past Comes to The Future

#COVID19 Social (Physical) Distancing Log Day 03272020:

Mood: I'm fine.

Shame is dangerous. It ruins lives, breaks relationships, can destroy families, and kills people. It took me a really long time to wrap my mind around the death of my friend, Asal. And the lies we tell ourselves to feel okay with how people decide to take their own lives. We have to be very honest with mental illness, with denial of being sick, of the fact that good and kind people sometimes don’t want to see the ugly truth. We miss things because; it’s what we need to do to go on with our own lives, so it doesn’t disrupt our normal. We don’t like to disrupt our “normal.” We don’t like other people’s lives, to disrupt our “happy.”

It seems that being concerned about other people's lives is the main reason we are 'sheltering-in-place,' or as Minnesota likes to call it 'stay-at-home.' Marketing wise it doesn't sound so dire when you call it something more soft and American's hate being told what to do. The fact of the matter is that even if you are a perfectly healthy individual and feel that you should be able to do whatever you want it doesn't mean that you should. When you really think about what is happening it totally goes against the idea of individualism which is the excuse people use to hurt other people. I can do what I want because it's my life. Sure, sure, you can. Until your actions and behavior hurts other people.

I was messaging a friend about our mental health and suicidal ideation and how many times we have both attempted suicide. Yes, I have, and if my parents didn't interrupt me to tell me I had a phone call I probably would have been successful. I'm not going to be ashamed of it. It's part of my life story and it also is a measure of how far I can fall into the troth of despair and what I need to do to stay out of it. My dark night of the soul as some spiritual folks like to call it. Catholics, too.

This is a really difficult time for many people, especially people with depression. I don't have the kind of depression where I fall into drugs and alcohol to escape my 'troth of despair.' Most of the time my depression is the loss of motivation to do anything. The loss of passion for all the things that used to give me joy. When I am deep in my depression, my meds don't even help, and nothing can give me joy. The last few years have been a challenge for my mood and mental health. Recovering from a back injury, losing a job, getting a new job, breaking up, losing a friend, losing my mother, and now a pandemic. It's a lot. And, it's a lot for mentally healthy people, you can only imagine the amount of mental fortitude it has taken to get me out of bed everyday and not want to kill myself. I am fine. Don't send the Sheriff to do a wellness check on me. After many difficult experiences in my life I have always been able to recover and be better for it.

The loss of my mother and everything else going on in my life has me feeling like it's me against the world. I know that I will make it through the struggle. I have all the resources I need to get past this really long depressive episode. To be honest, I feel really fucking sad. All. The. Time. But, you know what? It's okay to feel sad. It's okay to feel scared and stuck and hopeless. However, feelings, change constantly like the clouds in the sky. I know that my sadness inevitably will pass. I had someone tell me once, I'm not worried about you Vangie, you will be fine. Yeah, sure, I will be.

My friend, Robert shared the inspirational speech from the movie "Rocky Balboa," where he tells his son, "it's not about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can take the hits and keep on going." Life has a really killer left hook. I feel like the punches just get harder and harder. People see me in the community and see my smile and how charming and engaging I can be with strangers. I don't look like someone who has anything to be sad about. There's memes that go around saying: we're not sure what battles people are fighting inside of them. So, try to be kind. Most of the time I'm able to push it all down and get busy living life. Stay productive and all that jazz. I didn't have it in me this time around. So, instead of being productive I decided to take a break. To pull back from my public life and go back to just focusing on me. "I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me."

Don't be ashamed if your struggle with mental health issues. You are not alone in it. There are millions of American, 1 in 4 who have some mental health diagnosis. Seek help. Reach out to friends and family and if you can't than friends and family please reach out to your people who you know are having a hard time. "Love in the Time of Social Distancing," for sure will be a title of a book some day, soon.

Repeat after me:

I am lovable.

I am whole and complete.

I am worthy of love.

I am enough.

Namaste.

#pandemic2020 #refreshandreboot #washyohands #stayhome #selfisolationconfessions