The Past Comes to The Future
#COVID19 Social (Physical) Distancing Log Day 03272020:
Mood: I'm fine.
Shame is dangerous. It ruins lives, breaks relationships, can destroy families, and kills people. It took me a really long time to wrap my mind around the death of my friend, Asal. And the lies we tell ourselves to feel okay with how people decide to take their own lives. We have to be very honest with mental illness, with denial of being sick, of the fact that good and kind people sometimes don’t want to see the ugly truth. We miss things because; it’s what we need to do to go on with our own lives, so it doesn’t disrupt our normal. We don’t like to disrupt our “normal.” We don’t like other people’s lives, to disrupt our “happy.”
It seems that being concerned about other people's lives is the main reason we are 'sheltering-in-place,' or as Minnesota likes to call it 'stay-at-home.' Marketing wise it doesn't sound so dire when you call it something more soft and American's hate being told what to do. The fact of the matter is that even if you are a perfectly healthy individual and feel that you should be able to do whatever you want it doesn't mean that you should. When you really think about what is happening it totally goes against the idea of individualism which is the excuse people use to hurt other people. I can do what I want because it's my life. Sure, sure, you can. Until your actions and behavior hurts other people.
I was messaging a friend about our mental health and suicidal ideation and how many times we have both attempted suicide. Yes, I have, and if my parents didn't interrupt me to tell me I had a phone call I probably would have been successful. I'm not going to be ashamed of it. It's part of my life story and it also is a measure of how far I can fall into the troth of despair and what I need to do to stay out of it. My dark night of the soul as some spiritual folks like to call it. Catholics, too.
This is a really difficult time for many people, especially people with depression. I don't have the kind of depression where I fall into drugs and alcohol to escape my 'troth of despair.' Most of the time my depression is the loss of motivation to do anything. The loss of passion for all the things that used to give me joy. When I am deep in my depression, my meds don't even help, and nothing can give me joy. The last few years have been a challenge for my mood and mental health. Recovering from a back injury, losing a job, getting a new job, breaking up, losing a friend, losing my mother, and now a pandemic. It's a lot. And, it's a lot for mentally healthy people, you can only imagine the amount of mental fortitude it has taken to get me out of bed everyday and not want to kill myself. I am fine. Don't send the Sheriff to do a wellness check on me. After many difficult experiences in my life I have always been able to recover and be better for it.
The loss of my mother and everything else going on in my life has me feeling like it's me against the world. I know that I will make it through the struggle. I have all the resources I need to get past this really long depressive episode. To be honest, I feel really fucking sad. All. The. Time. But, you know what? It's okay to feel sad. It's okay to feel scared and stuck and hopeless. However, feelings, change constantly like the clouds in the sky. I know that my sadness inevitably will pass. I had someone tell me once, I'm not worried about you Vangie, you will be fine. Yeah, sure, I will be.
My friend, Robert shared the inspirational speech from the movie "Rocky Balboa," where he tells his son, "it's not about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can take the hits and keep on going." Life has a really killer left hook. I feel like the punches just get harder and harder. People see me in the community and see my smile and how charming and engaging I can be with strangers. I don't look like someone who has anything to be sad about. There's memes that go around saying: we're not sure what battles people are fighting inside of them. So, try to be kind. Most of the time I'm able to push it all down and get busy living life. Stay productive and all that jazz. I didn't have it in me this time around. So, instead of being productive I decided to take a break. To pull back from my public life and go back to just focusing on me. "I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me."
Don't be ashamed if your struggle with mental health issues. You are not alone in it. There are millions of American, 1 in 4 who have some mental health diagnosis. Seek help. Reach out to friends and family and if you can't than friends and family please reach out to your people who you know are having a hard time. "Love in the Time of Social Distancing," for sure will be a title of a book some day, soon.
Repeat after me:
I am lovable.
I am whole and complete.
I am worthy of love.
I am enough.
Namaste.
#pandemic2020 #refreshandreboot #washyohands #stayhome #selfisolationconfessions
Karma is a Bus that I'm Driving
#COVID19 Social (Emotional) Distancing Log Day 03262020
“Life is amazing. And then it’s awful. And then it’s amazing again. And in between the amazing and the awful it’s ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and exhale during the ordinary. That’s just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. And it’s breathtakingly beautiful.” -- LR Knost.
I was video chatting with a friend today and we were talking about giving people compliments, particularly your partner/spouse. I said that I was pretty terrible at giving compliments because I would think my partner already knew they were beautiful, hot, sexy, etc… I mean, I wouldn't be with them if they were hideous. Am I right or am I right? Seriously, I don't just pick my girlfriends just based off of looks. I do think that real beauty and sexiness is from the inside out. I think kindness and compassion is really hot and a great sense of humor can makes someone really sexy. Additionally, you can be incredibly stunning on the outside, but if you are mean and cruel that can make you really hideous to me.
Compliments. I'm incredibly blunt, and sometimes more honest than I need to be. And, I really don't like to use tired lines. I'm all about originality. It also doesn't seem to come off genuine.
Me: you look good.
Person: No, I don't, Vangie. I don't even have any make up on.
Me: At least you don't look like shit.
Person: Another Vangie compliment.
Me: You should have just said, thank you.
End scene.
I'm totally putting myself out there for your judgement. So, my friend was trying to help me be better with giving compliments.
Friend: Do these pants make my butt look big?
Me: Blame it on the pants.
Friend: Blame it on the pants? Hahahaha ha
Me: No.
It's been kind of a funky day. It was nice to laugh on video chat with a friend. To just talk about whatever. From really mundane daily goings ons or how worried we are about jobs and finances. It's a brave new world out there, and we have now topped China with the number of confirmed cases of COVID-19 and we are past Italy's numbers. We have a president that seems to care more about the stock market than 1-2% of our population. They just happen to not be the right 1-2% that our government usually bends over backwards for. People's lives are on the line and our President wants to play Russian Roulette with our most vulnerable population.
This may go longer than we anticipate. I hope everyone is using this time of isolation for some deep spiritual reflection and healing. Cause, I think as a nation we are getting back some wicked karma. Just sayin'
Be The Better Person
#COVID19 Social (Physical) Distancing Log Day 03252020:
Mood: Yikes!
I'm actually a very spiritual person. Working in the community I've always kept my religious belief to myself, so I can be viewed as spiritually unbiased. I was raised Roman Catholic and I truly did appreciate a lot of the lessons I learned and I still practice Lent every year. However, Catholic hypocrisy is no bueno.
Easter is the super bowl for many Christians because that's when the Zombie Jesus comes back to life and Christianity is born. We also have to remember that it's also spring and the celebration of new life and harvest. Pagans also celebrated the equinox when the light and dark were equal and eventually days would get longer and darkness would be shorter. Just an FYI Jesus was Jewish, so the last supper Jesus and his disciples were celebrating was Passover. Everything is interconnected, however we all want to believe that we are individuals that have no impact on each other. Obviously, it's not true because our state and local governments are telling us we can save each other if we stay-at-home for another two weeks. Two. More. Weeks. For now.
I do pray. I pray a lot. I pray for the safety and wellbeing of my friends and family. I pray for the earth to heal. I pray that we all will be okay after this pandemic finally comes to it's end. I pray that God gives me the strength and clarity to be the best person I can be every day. I pray for all who are broken to heal. I pray for those who have been lied to or betrayed for them to find justice and peace. I pray for my ancestors.
I think this is a good prayer for today.
Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Prayer: Lord, when I open my eyes each day, help me to feel your presence. Help me to keep in step with your Holy Spirit and be counseled by your word. My heart aches and I am worn out from crying. Please help me rise out of my hurt and sorrow.
My faith and my religion is connected to my work and how I am in the world. I believe if Jesus was alive he'd be a social justice warrior. When the work I do becomes difficult and tiring and I want to give up I always go back to Micha 6:8, "And what does the Lord require of you But to do justly, To love mercy, And to walk humbly with your God?"
Sometimes, when my life feels heavy I trust the process and give up my burdens to the Universe. We cannot control what's going on around us. We cannot control other people. We can only control ourselves and our behavior.